Learning From You

One of our Coffee and Kids Clubhouse topics was Modeling for Our Kids. I started off the conversation by sharing the poem below. When I was a child, this poem hung on the wall in our home. It has always been ingrained in my brain and has guided my decision-making more than once. Even when I was going to school to become a teacher, I know I drew from this poem numerous times. The poem is timeless, and it bears repeating.

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

We are not perfect parents, and I have made my fair share of mistakes. Over the years, I've learned that words are important. The analogy, “You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube,” demonstrates how hurtful words can be. In education, we tell our teachers that for every negative comment, a student needs four positive comments to overcome it. It also takes one hundred verbal repetitions to reverse a negative emotion or feeling. Similarly, when modeling behavior, it takes just one example of a negative behavior to stick with your kiddos.

Kids are watching us. They're watching our reactions and our behaviors. For example, think about your typical day. How did you approach the morning? Were you grumpy? Your kids are going to learn from your approach, and they may follow your lead by being grumpy in the mornings. Are you complaining about the chores you have to do today? Again, they're going to follow your lead and complain when you ask them to clean their room. Are you grumbling about having to go to work, or are you complaining about the bills? They're watching, listening, paying attention, and learning from you.

Now let's reverse these examples. If you greet the morning with a smile, it’s ok to still be sleepy. Your response to the day may be something like this, “It's okay that I'm just not really feeling it this morning, but I'm going to push through today.” Now you’re teaching your children to persevere! You’re teaching them to push forward and work through tough days. For chores, maybe you say, “I'm not really looking forward to doing these chores, but I'm really thankful that I have a roof over my head.” You are teaching them how to appreciate what they have. Another reframe might be, “I really need to clean up the house. I don't want to, but I worked really hard to get these things and I appreciate them.” Once again, you are teaching them about gratitude and positivity. Your reactions and responses are critical to your children’s development. They are watching you, so what kind of role model will you be? 

What I have learned: There are so many pieces to modeling behaviors for our children. I know one thing for sure - they are watching and learning from us each and every day.

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